After writing my earlier post I’ve been ruminating on this issue all day. My eating dilemma, my weight dilemma, the issues I have with food, nourishment and my body. I’ve been fighting my body, my weight and my shape since I was 9 years old (possibly earlier than that but first diet I vividly remember putting myself on was when I was 9 years old and a gymnast. Interestingly enough I don’t remember it being solely gymnastics motivated. In fact my biggest motivator was God. I remember the intense feelings of guilt and shame that I was too big, that I was ruining Gods purpose for my life, that I was a disgusting glutton and God was ashamed of me. I don’t know that I’ve ever completely opened up about this but I used to pray for forgiveness for being fat and gross. I’d cry and eat as little as I could. I started tallying up my food for the day and, knowing nothing of nutrition at all, deemed 1000 calories a day waaaay too much food. So I whittled it down as much as I could. It ended in flames of course and an education from medical professionals on the food pyramid and what a normal weight for someone my age, height and bone structure was. But to be honest I’ve never been right since. I’ve been dieting restricting and controlling ever since. I can’t seem to ever lose enough weight and when I get close to being content I rapidly gain weight again. So we are talking over 20 years of dieting to end up at the same body shape that got me start dieting in the first place. Whats wrong here?
So perhaps its safe to walk away from dieting since it has only worked temporarily in fits and starts. and I miss being athletic. I’ll be honest, I miss having a six pack and enviable low body fat. I miss going for a run and feeling proud of myself. I miss wearing a size 2-4 max. I’ve only felt at ease in my body twice that I can remember and even then I was looking for ways to get smaller.
So I have this idea and I’m tired of cycling through diets and watching other people feel free in their bodies and not being able to join them. what if I didn’t do the physical at all. what If I ate whatever (I enjoy being vegan and eating healthy anyway. I think I need to set out meditation and mantra rules. and I need to get back into exercise of some kind because I miss it. So here’s what I plan to do:
- do at least 30 minutes of exercise everyday. It doesn’t matter what it is. I need to jog or do elliptical or something that makes me sweat for 30 -60 minutes a day. Preferably in the morning to get my energy up because i’ve been dragging lately
- meditate – guided if need be (I’ll start that way because I need the help) for at least 10 minutes. I can find 10 minutes to meditate and I know at the very least it will help.
- Say 3 affirmations every morning, then again in the afternoon and before bed. Thats 3 affirmations 3 times a day
That’s it. It’s my trifecta. I have to try something and what I’ve been doing for the last 20 years hasn’t worked. So here we go!