I’ve been gifted lately with more free time than I’m comfortable with. While I’ve been feeling lazy I’m not really sure what to throw myself into sometimes. I have things I’m working on – I’m doing aerial work, I’m working at a boxing gym, I’m about to start Cosmetology school, I’ve been going to auditions, doing yoga and taking aerial classes. It sounds like I’m doing a lot right? And yet my work hours aren’t long sometimes and when Dan is home (which is unpredictable) I try not to schedule too many classes. But when he’s home I tend to come home from work and ….. sit on the couch with him, or take a nap and then try to get myself going later. He’s not a particularly high energy person. I historically have been but I’m finding myself in a dilemma. Im thinking it’s a phase right now but a lot of the things that really interested me or that I had a passion for/a devotion too, I’m feeling blasé about and sometimes even disillusioned. For example you all know I’ve been struggling with my fitness for like a year now. I’d been passionate for a decade or more. I did P90x devoutly, when I began running I became a runner, when I originally started yoga i was just enamoured and pushed myself to go as often as possible.
But lately I don’t want to and my belief in the “fitness industry” is like…non existent. I’ve tried to get back into beach body, to take group classes, to start running again. Everything sends shooting pains into my shoulder, tightens up my hamstrings painfully and seems to make me swell up. Every diet I try to give me more energy, lose the weight that is actually weighing me down, and clear up my horrible abdominal pains back fires. As a result I’ve been sick a record amount this year, I’m at my highest weight ever, I break out in intermittent rashes that I just can’t predict and I spend hours in the bathroom with painful eliminations. I’m exhausted, I want to sleep every time I come home. And yet I’m crushing it in other aspects and I don’t get it! I’m doing great at auditions regardless of the fact that my 6 pack is non-visible and i feel like I’m trying to move around a rhinoceros. I got into school and have had so much positive feedback about my future in cosmetology. My relationship with my family is so great right now, my husband and I are in love. HOW?! I’m not complaining but with all that’s going right why am I wasting so much of this happy time in bed sick or exhausted. In the last year I’ve had: GI, food poisoning, severe ulcer, shingles, 4 bouts of tonsillitis, pneumonia and 8 unexplained hive outbreaks. I honestly don’t know what to do and I keep trying different things and getting knocked back. I keep fighting it but theres a growing part of me that feels like I need to stop trying. I don’t know how though. So I decided to try an “all raw” diet. It can’t hurt me right? it’s just raw fruits, vegetables and seeds. It’s gotta help my body do its thing right? but right off the bat, day two and I’m exhausted (that’s ok, I have been for a long time) I’m passing lots of fiber, lets just say toilet time is often and unpleasant. I want to give up. No diets, no exercise, no stress. But honestly if I gain even one more half an ounce I will stress even more. My pants don’t fit. I hate that.