Faith

*I wrote this post almost a month ago….

I’m sitting here today with so many things swirling through my mind.  My life is about to change and while you’d think I’d be used to that – my life has been so dynamic over the past 20 years – it hasn’t changed in this way. I’m standing at the precipice of walking away from performing.  and when i write it out like that, all dramatic, my inner voice goes “for now Crista, you’re not going to pursue it, for now.  you can always begin again” but the pragmatic side of me knows you can’t begin again in the same place you left off.  It’s been a long time coming.  I’ve been unhappy, felt unrest for over a year now.  I’ve been searching, scheming, wondering where my place in the universe is. My identity had been wrapped up in dancing and performing, my ego repeats the mantra that I haven’t done anything worthwhile yet.  I’ve been warring with my body, its not shaped right, and no matter how much dieting, exercise or shading i’ve done, I can’t get it to look right for auditions, for performances.  It’s softer, curvier and downright un-athletic at the moment and I don’t like fighting with it but I’m constantly ashamed of how i look in comparison to the people I’d be going for jobs with. Not to mention there’s only a few auditions I actually want to go to.  There’s so much I don’t want to do right now even as a stepping stone.  I don’t want to, what I call “sexy dance”.  Hell, at this point, I don’t even know if I want to dance.  In theory I do – I love movement, I love the art of dancing, I love partnering and carving a story out of the air and energy around you. I love the history of the art form of dancing.  I love being on stage and telling a story with my body.  But right now I am exhausted and in pain all the time and I’m not even working as a performer.  Stretching hurts, the few classes I take wear me out, running makes my hamstrings tighten up so bad I can’t sleep.  What is going on? And for decades really, I’ve found pride in the pain.  I’ve fought through with pleasure.  PLEASURE.  when was the last time I felt pleasure in my day? I look at my life and often it feels like I totally missed the mark.  I have no career to be proud of, I have no children, nothing that i’ve filled my days with and made a difference or done anything worthwhile at all.  I became a mediocre aerialist at best and reasonable dancer.  I worked around the world but at entry level performing jobs. Or at least that’s the story I’ve been telling myself. I had been known as a sort of a fitness guru and now I have lost my drive for fitness completely and my body shows it.

All this to say that when we moved out here to vegas a fog lifted a bit.  yes I’ve been training a bit and I went to two auditions (I even got one of them).  My body still doesn’t feel right, I found little pleasure in the aerial work I was doing.  I started really putting my mind to finding my fit, what I’m supposed to be doing that lights me up, incites me to get up in the morning. I love being near my sister – I hadn’t realised that time spent with family would be so important to me but I LOVE it.  I love being there for each other, talking on the phone, going for walks. I love being supportive of her career.  But I also found that I don’t really want the same career as her.  I don’t want to be held up for the same things.  and at first I thought I was being lazy.  My sister works incredibly hard and historically, I do to.  but Ive found that I don’t want to work at the same the things, I don’t want to sacrifice for the same things.  And you know what – THATS OK.  So I started nosing around and I found a few things I might be interested in and they’ve all kind of come to a head today.  I have some decisions to make but I have an interview today for a job that will be consuming, time wise, has nothing to do with my body or performing or fitness.  It will be a challenge for me but not in the way I’m used to.  I don’t know if I’ll get it but I’m frightened a bit if I do.  What I do know is that something had to change, and as is my nature I just took a flying leap without knowing if I’d mourn the end of my performing career or if I’d fall in love and feel like i found my niche.  who knows!  It’s times like these that I miss the devout catholicism of my youth, where I believed whole heartedly that I could just trust that God would lead me where i was supposed to go and I’d get the job if it would make me happy and i wouldn’t if I was supposed to keep performing.  Now that I feel like I’m in charge of my destiny there’s no one to trust but myself and ….the universe? Which i suppose is God, in a sense.  What I can trust is that life will continue regardless and I will still be a worthwhile person either way.  I can trust that because I want to be happy, that I want to be useful, that I will be. And maybe that’s the same thing as a blind faith in a Catholic God anyway.  It’s just simply having the faith that your steps forward, while seemingly blind, are not without a grand direction, that the universe is benevolent and wants your desires to be filled, that life is good on the whole and good things are always coming your way.  It’s faith that your actions are not wasted even if you can’t see where they’re leading you at the moment.  And that is the delicate faith I have begun to develop.

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