Lean In

“Lean In’ is a phrase catching fire ever since the book of the same name was released.  I’ve heard it everywhere.  I read the book, loved it, got a lot from it.  But that was two years ago.  Since then my career has shifted (feels more like shifting sand at the moment), my priorities seem hazy and confusing, and my “business world” has never really felt like a business.  More like a darts tournament. My ulcer flared up again last night in a big way signalling my stress and anxiety levels are climbing.  Im dissatisfied with my body but nothing seems to resonate with it right now.  and I swing wildly from dreaming about performing on broadway to giving it all up and becoming a full time baker.  Or farmer. Or Barista.  And then the guilt kicks in – I’m thirty something, well loved by a few good friends and a super talented husband.  WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE.  I keep trying to order it perfectly and it never gets ordered.  things unforeseen happen or my past choices bite me in the ass or really, I’m just not patient and i don’t know where i’m going.  I often feel like the screw up in the group.  I wonder if that’s what I look like.  Or if I look like the bohemian gypsy artist that everyone wants to be like.  I don’t feel like that.

Tonight I decided to LEAN IN TO THE MESS.  I don’t know why I’ve lived my life apologising for not being perfectly ordered.  Some people are very organised and linear.  I’ve always tried to be one of them but it doesn’t fit me.  Yet complete chaos has ended in anxiety.  But I think it’s just because of the SHOULDS.  I SHOULD be organised, wealthy, driven, single minded, sure, linear, focused 24/7.  Yet I never have been and when I’m really honest and someone else says it first, I can admit that I have a good life, that has always opened up opportunities I couldn’t have seen.  I don’t live an ordered linear life because I am not that person.  So I’m leaning into the mess (not dirty mess. ew. I hate dirt and grime). This me crista, no diet plan is working, no amount of trying to force myself to see my future and march stoically towards it has worked.  So I’m all over the place. I’m jumping at opportunities, I’m packing up my stuff, I’m seeing what doors are open.  I have no idea where it will lead.  It’s a mess.  It’s my mess.  Is  a life.  Sometimes the mess is the artwork, the chaos is the genius.

I’m leaning in. 12670142_801605056612110_3642640337076755518_n

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