Today as I was ruminating on the Law of Attraction and what I needed to change in my life it hit me, hard. I need to change, changing. That’s right I had this crazy realization that in my quest to be perfect, find myself, be the change I wish to see in the world, that I have been treating myself like I’m not “right” every freaking day. I have shown myself time and time again that I think something is wrong with me because I’m always looking for something to change to make myself better. EVERYDAY.
No wonder I feel nuts. I look at other people and analyze the way they live their life, and try to take what they do “right” and do it myself even when it doesn’t resonate with me. Do you want to know the result? I am in between work contracts, I don’t know what to do with my life on a daily basis I search for what my purpose is. I decide to drastically change my diet and exercise every night before I go to bed I seem to write out a new program daily. The result has been a very rocky last year of up and down work, 70 different permutations of diet and exercise to change my lump of undisciplined fluffy flesh into something I’m proud of – none of which have done that as I kept thinking I had the wrong idea and my stomach and digestion and health are….flailing about.
Today as I got up I felt the anxiety set in – do something with your day, something worthwhile, be worthwhile, be like everyone else who works too hard and has a purpose. Which, of course (in hindsight everything is so clear) I then felt like staying in bed FOREVER, who wants to wake up to feel like that?!
I got up and set time boundaries like I usually do to make sure I workout and do something so I don’t completely feel bad about myself later…you get the picture. But I started reading online about manifesting and I caught myself making another rule “Crista, you should make it a habit to get up every-morning and read for 10 minutes before starting your day. You should write for 20 minutes afterwards. Why have you not been doing that? You know successful people do this stuff automatically without prompting and definitely before they are 33. Okay so set your alarm DAILY for… “ but I cut myself off. I batter myself with “should’s” every day, all day. How am I supposed to believe that I am perfect the way I am? That I am worthy and happy and healthy when every signal I give myself is that I am not enough, that I am not right, that I must find the thing to change about me to make me right?
Hmmmm. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me and I can just start there. There’s nothing wrong with taking the day as it comes. There’s nothing wrong with my body that I have to change. I’m not saying there aren’t helpful practices but perhaps right now they aren’t helpful to me as I seem to use them more as battering rods.
Thats my self discovery for the day