Journaling and Evolving

im back and ready to blog again. I took a brief ship contract away which is always a time to pause my blogging as internet access is expensive, frustrating and unreliable. But now with my feet firmly on the soil and new adventure in settling down having begun, blogging shall continue! I’ve been journaling religiously since the new year and I thought I’d give a snippet of this mornings journaling for you to ponder. I had made some sweeping resolutions about this year and I want to share my journey. Having lived with an eating disorder, body dismorphia, or whatever you want to call the goblin that has been sucking out my lifeblood since I was 9 and went on my first diet, I decided enough was enough and I was putting myself through rehab. I have life right now and I’ll be damned if I give anymore of it away to anxiety, fear and judgement. Being your own sponsor, Doctor and therapist is a big task though so it’s required me to tap into the universe for help, my inner guru, books, friends and now I’ll be involving you, blogosphere. If you want to come along for the ride or interact with me, on the blog or through email, I’m open I’m here, this is happening. If you have similar struggles and want to see how someone else is doing with it, welcome, I’m an open book. I, starting you out with today’s entry but I’ll go back and start from the beginning. I’m figuring it out a day at a time and I’ve read two books since the first of the year that have really helped me get my head in the game. First off A Return to Love by Maryanne Williamson and secondly The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Interestingly, these ar both books I had previously and they just didn’t speak to me before so I put them away and didn’t read them until now. I ate them up hungrily this time. More on this, I’ll unfold everything for you, but here is this mornings journal entry to percolate your thoughts:

February 8-tides are turning

I’ve been spending a lot of time figuring out the right diet for me at night just to realize the next morning that yet again I set up diet and I can’t do it because again, that’s dieting and dieting doesn’t work in the long run because I have had an eating disorder that has spanned two decades and ate away at my brain like meth. This is frustrating because it feels like a giant waste of time in the cold light of morning when it felt like the answer and savior the night before in my notebook from the warmth of a bed. In this, ironically,I feel great hope that the tides are turning. I’m getting frustrated with wasting my time and energy on something I don’t end up doing. I’ve had a few cheat days on the Sunday before I was going to start a strict diet and I just felt like crap and thought to myself, do I even like what I’m eating? Who wants to eat 2/3 of an overly sweet chocolate bar? It made my stomach clench together in a tight fist and gave me the runs and then I still ate a whole bag of gummy orange lollies because I was going to start a rigid diet that had worked in the past that involved and required a big Sunday cheatdays (for leptin reset and to avoid low calorie plateau…any geeks out there know these terms like I do). I thought why would I want to spend time with a stomach and headache, bloated and cranky? It killed my personality for the rest of the night and squashed my previously fiery sex drive. Who wants to do it when you’re feeling bloated and lethargic? How do I never feel like this again is the question I want answered in that moment! Understand that I am not saying these diets are wrong or don’t work for healthy people who don’t have the issues I have. Just like I believe getting a glass of wine with dinner for me is fine but for a recovering alcoholic it’s NOT OK. I’m a recovering diet-anorexic-bulemia-binge-eating-disorder-orthorexic-ocd-hunger-phobic-control-aholic with bullheaded stubbornness. “Healthy” diets, fitness model and extreme diets are all my ‘just one drink’, my cryptonite, my siren. But I see progress. Because I’ve devised a lot of plans in the one month I’ve been focused on recovery and have abandoned them all in the light of day when I realize, every time, that I’d still be feeding the disease. Progress. That is progress. Good girl Crista, we are doing better.”

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