I’m fragile today, like all my nerves are exposed. I thought writing about my feelings yesterday would make them go away but instead it released a floodgate. The black dog chased me all day and I was never able to allude him.
I wasn’t my best self yesterday and I hate that. I was moody and short tempered which for me boils down to short answers and hot silences. At my best I’m a peacemaker and a bridge, I fill silences that need it and sit with you comfortably in the quiet when it’s necessary. I thought I was becoming happy, loving and free just like I was aiming for.
And maybe I am and this is just a cold snap. I don’t know. It seemed so quick. I’d been feeling like the sun shined from the inside of me and that I had love and hope to give to all. But the waiting and waiting and waiting to make the big change that I know I need and is going to be a long slug of work has worn me down. I am waiting for others to be ready and it has turned me sour in the last day.
I don’t know how it happened so fast or maybe I just didn’t see it creeping up. It’s down time that gets to me. I can’t stand time off unless it’s spent for a reason, vacation with family, tending to the sick… I embrace that time. But not long hours of silence I have to fill with no purpose, with nowhere to go, no way to get anywhere, no end in sight.
I thought love and determination had freed me from the black dog but now I see he was just lying low. Damn.