Morning thoughts

I’m not feeling it today. I’ve been working hard to wake up happy, to be happy and enthusiastic. But now, today I woke up frustrated. I’ve been waiting for so long- waiting to start, waiting for others to be ready, waiting to be on land, waiting to feel healthy, waiting for it to all click, waiting for it to happen. Today I’m done. I can’t wait any longer (although I have to so I guess I’m just venting). I’m not angry or depressed per say, I’m just done, I feel not happy but that is not necessarily angry or sad, it’s just…not happy.

Here I am drinking my morning coffee on a beautiful morning willing myself to,get excited and motivated to go do morning yoga and a workout. I want to feel a purpose and an excitement that I’m headed to that purpose. I want to sleep well, get out of bed and DO something. I want to embrace my experience, see myself as a traveler with all these life experiences, am unquestionable path a beautiful soul with a loving purpose. I have in the recent past caught glimmers of that feeling. But not today. Today I want to give up. I want to stop trying. Today I want my own space with my own shower and a place to be alone. I want to not have to workout, to try to manufacture something to,do so I feel useful, to workout enough that i feel like I’m at least not a lazy slug losing all my dance training. I don’t want to care about progress or talent or being something or not being something else. I don’t want to wait to go get a job or do what I want. I don’t want to figure out what I should want to do. I don’t want to think about what to eat or if it is good bad smart or otherwise. I’m exhausted of trying and never getting. I’m tired of dieting, undieting, cooking, portion control, eating for the body I want, wondering if I’m going to feel awful in my jeans so maybe I should just keep my lulu lemons on so I don’t have to feel bad. I’m tired of trying to accept that all bodies are beautiful and deserving of love so that means mine is beautiful too and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it or upset or worried about what I look like eat or exercise. I am ashamed, I am upset, I am extremely uncomfortable in my skin and I hate food eating dieting and my body and I know I’m not supposed to say that. I’m tired of having a stupid ethical conviction that directly contradicts what my body seems to process. I’m over being bloated, uncomfortable, sick, chubby, not perfect, face breaking out, hair not right. I am tired of being good and nice and kind and thoughtful and funny and motivated and driven and accepting and positive and fit and zen and mature and friendly and understanding. I’m especially sick of being understanding. I want to be understood. I want to be calm. I want to feel confident and peaceful. I want to be beautiful (not trying to feel beautiful, I just want to feel it’s a given and let it go). I want to throw a tantrum and it get me somewhere because not throwing tantrums right now feels useless. I feel like a stepford wife, nodding at the right times and doing just what I’m supposed to do,but feeling like a caged animal. That’s it, nail on the head. I feel like a caged animal. Now where are the keys…

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