Who Are You

As I sit here writing this, I am 32 years old. I’ve had a good life with some honest struggles and setbacks, all of which I’ve pushed through. I’ve some level of achievement.

Though by no means have a made a big impact in any way.

I’m not putting myself down at all.  I simply felt compelled to sit down and really, openly free write to figure out who I am and what I am all about.  But how do you figure out who you are? You take a good hard look at how you spend your time, how you spend your money and who you spend your time with and what you’re constantly thinking about when you’re not focused on something specific (for example, I’m constantly thinking about how I’m supposed to eat, what I should eat next, when I should exercise, if what I just ate was a good decision or a bad decision, and I google “raw vegan”, “rich roll podcast”, “vegan health” when I’m bored or anxious. oof.) And then, if you’re me, you have to take that list and compare to who you want to be, who you thought you’d be when you were young, and how other people that you admire are.  But let me flip that around, because I think it might be easier for me to figure out how I want to be, how I picture myself and what I aspire to first.

So how do I want to see myself? Who do I want to be? Who did I think I was when I was young(er)?

I always knew I was meant for big things.  I was meant to make an impact, I’ve always felt that.  I’m a visionary and a doer.

I’m a dancer, a choreographer, an artist.

I’m fearless.

I’m an activist. I’m a go getter. I’m a bad ass. I’m in the public eye because I have a cause.

I’m successful.

I love fiercely, I’m black and white, I’m a decision maker.

I don’t know what free time is and I’m disciplined.

The things I believe in, I’m committed to 100%.

I’m trustworthy and loyal.

I am a career woman with a unique voice.

I long to dance, choreograph, write, act, run and advocate.

Okay so that’s how I see myself on my best days, in my dreams and my vision as a child.  Buuut it’s not really accurate to the person that I am, or feel that I am, at this very minute, sitting at my in-laws table, in between contracts.

So Who Am I Really?

Weeeell, I don’t have a cause. I want one, but I don’t have one exactly. There are things I care about when they cross my path (animal rights and veganism, sustainability, eating disorder recovery, massage therapy and eastern medicine…). But when I think of myself I’m not like “this is the thing I fight for”.  Ick.

I’m fair to middling on the scale of success.  I have achieved an ability to make money solely as a performer which is a difficult task, so I’m going to give myself that. It is difficult as anyone in the industry will tell you.  and i’ve survived.  I’ve done aerial work and performed as a dancer, a singer, and actress.  BUT on the scale of one to broadway…I’m probably down around a 3.  and that’s not necessarily because of talent are skill (though I’m not ruling that out), but most of my 20’s I didn’t go to the important auditions or dance classes.  I socialised, I worked 2nd and 3rd jobs to pay bills and I prioritised relationships.  Relationships that did not last. And, to be honest, I was scared of failing so I skipped more auditions than I’d like to admit.  I thought little of my skill but much of my desire. I was not single minded in my drive and ambition.

As far as choreography goes I’m petrified of it even though I imagine choreography ALL THE TIME.  I can’t so much as hear an 8 count without envisioning movement to it.  But the few times I’ve tried to put it into cohesive form I’ve felt that I had no vocabulary to express what was in my minds eye. I feel stale and cheesy, like any movement I make will be droll and canned.  So I’ve shied away.  But I BURN to express through movement.

I write all the time.  All day long and everyday but not very often with a focus and a direction.

I haven’t done anything big or even above average.  I’m a pretty average achieving American.  I have made, perhaps a small impact on just those immediately around me.

I do love fiercely, check! I am pretty black and white, check! I can be very disciplined at the few things I put my mind to be – workouts, food.  mmmm that about covers it. shit.

Now here’s the fun part.  I’ve revealed to myself that I’m not, at this present moment, living up to what I want to be and what I want to accomplish. So it’s time to do that.  I can dive in and do.  I will find my voice and do more.  I need more structure in my day, I need to aim higher than surviving my day to day and month to month.  Because as an artist, I haven’t created anything.  I’ve been around, on the fringes, observed and followed others but I haven’t stepped forward to do it myself.

I’m off to write some lists….

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